Not what it looks like

To My Dad...

I just read a blog on Huffington Post by John Kinnear that made my head spin. It was a letter to his hypothetically gay son and was nothing but the reiteration of love, support, acceptance, commitment and honesty. Reading it touched my heart to the very core but not for the reason you may think. The part about accepting his unborn son's hypothetical homosexuality is beautiful and uplifting but as I read I found myself thinking about my own parents and my relationship, or lack thereof, to them. 

My father is a good man. My father is a stubborn man. If he doesn't understand it then it is irrelevant and unnecessary, tolerable, maybe, but relatively unimportant. My father and I butted heads  a lot as I was growing up and we still do today even though I am now on the other side of 25. The problem is that my father doesn't understand me. He doesn't know me; not who I am to the very core of my being. He doesn't know my passions, goals, desires, fears, etc. He has never really been much of an emotional rock and if I have ever done something that he didn't agree with, I have been judged. My entire life all I have ever wanted was my Dad's approval, for him to know me, but more importantly for him to want to know me. 

Its amusing because as an adult you reach a point where you think the things of your past, your biggest pitfalls, are behind you. I know that at certain times I have taken the mentality of 'Yea! It doesn't matter that I cam
e from an extremely dysfunctional family! I'm awesome and this crap can't touch me any more! I don't need my father's approval or love!' How untrue that is and it always sneaks back in at the worst time and is ALWAYS unwelcome. 
My father will never rally for my rights as a homosexual woman, he will never get involved with my politics, he will never understand my faith and he will never be truly proud of me because I am the exact opposite of who he wanted me to be. The ghost of who I could have been haunts him-and me-and it will always come between us. He will never know who I really am. So here is a letter to my literally straight father, love a very queer, in all sense of the word, daughter.

Dear Dad,

I want to start by thanking you for all you sacrificed for me. I know that our life, your life, has not been easy. We have definitely been through the storm time and time again. I remember when I was a kid and how I idolized you. You were the hero of my story, my white knight come to save me from the wickedness of a hateful mother and a lonely childhood. But then something changed and you gave up on me. So I am going to tell you all of the things that I will never get to actually say to you because it will disrupt your opinion about me.

My favorite color is pink. I love animals more than I love people sometimes. I want to save them all from the destruction and death we inflict upon them. I love bad horror movies and sappy romantic ones. I give money to homeless people and buy them meals, when I can. I love the Lord my God with all my heart. You were at my Baptism when I was 14, so that part you know a little of. I love trashy romance novels and Jane Austen. My favorite period of art is the Renaissance and i would die of happiness if I got to see the Sistine Chapel. I want to travel to the Holy Land one day. I've never seen the Gulf Coast and I love Canada. I carry notebooks with me everywhere I go and my sketch pad. I love to sketch even though I'm not very good at it. I love vampires and faeries and my dog Boon is my heart. I still want you to meet him one day soon. Brittany broke my heart, tore me down and left me in ruin. You never even knew how devastated I was and how badly I just wanted my Daddy to hold me and tell me that it would be ok, that I'm beautiful and perfect the way I am and that I will find love again. I've been through so many things in my life that you will never know about because you don't want to. My regulated body temperature is actually 97.4 degrees instead of 98.6. I've been told that I have your eyes. I am proud to be gay and will fight until the day I die to be equal to you. I am proud to be a woman and will fight until my dying day to be equal to you. I love crosses and tigers. Pretty sure I got my love of tigers from you ;) Paris is my dream city and English history is one of my secret passions. If you ask my closest friends, which are few, they will tell you that I am compassionate, loving, caring, self-sacrificing, funny as hell, smart as whip, and will fight to the death for ANYONE that I love. There are people in this world that do actually enjoy my company. I still write, but not like I used to. Remember when I was writing that novella and I let you read my prologue? That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Why? Because you were paying attention to me, you were interested, you were seeing a small part of who I really am. That is the saddest thing I think I have ever written. Might be one of the saddest things I have ever felt as well. 

So, Dad, there is just a little bit about me. The real me. The me who is real. The one who people actually do love and cherish, respect and admire. But I would trade every single one of those people who feel those things for me if it meant that for ten minutes, you would feel the same. I would get on my knees and beg you to know me. In essence, that is kind of what I'm doing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pining for your affections. But even though I don't want to, I will.

Your Desperate, Sad, and Lonely Daughter 
Not what it looks like


Everything has changed so drastically. I was looking back at a few of my blogs from my glory days. The ones when I wrote constantly and about nothing that was of any consequence. I never though that I would look back on my words and see the history of several years unfold. 

Andrea, the manager that I so often spoke of, my best friend, died. She got sick one day and was diagnosed with lung cancer. Small cell carcinoma. They couldn't operate because  it was in a place that could potentially cause more damage than help. She started chemo and radiation, and I watched my friend disintegrate, waste away. It was so hard for me to visit her. I was so selfish. All I could think about was how seeing her like that would affect me. I promised her that I would be there for her but in the end, I wasn't. She was independent and kind and funny and loving. She was so good to me, like a mother. She gave me a home, briefly, but during a time when I had nowhere else I could possibly go. She always supported and encouraged me. Andrea was given a prognosis of one year after her diagnosis. She lived 5 months. She died in hospice. God gave me one small gift the day that she died an it is something that I treasure and will always: around 11 am that morning, March  27th 2009, I  called Andrea and she didn't answer. I left her a message letting her know that I wanted to come visit her and that I missed her and loved her. It was later that afternoon that I found out she had passed early that morning. About two hours before I called and left the message.   

I haven't spoken or written about this is a long time. But I think about  her every day. 
Not what it looks like

Back in the game!

Wow...time flies when you draw out of the world! I can't believe that it has been so long since I have posted here! LiveJournal used to be my LIFE!!! Well, the last 3 years have seen me through so much i can't even begin to describe. So, my LJ is going to undergo a HUGE revamp and I'm so excited to be back!


I've finally found a little piece of contentment named Charlie. We started talking a few weeks ago and things just seemed to progress from there. It's great so far. And I'm enjoying not being so lonely anymore. We do stupid things like drive around or go down to the park I used to play at and look at the stars. It's all incredibly mushy but it's ok. I'm finding that I can't push out everyone and Charlie made me want to open up. So I did.

Other than that, school is horrible and I'm going to have to take a full load over the summer and fall to graduate in December. I just want to be done. Please and Thank you.

Oh, two weeks ago I took a job as an office assistant/file clerk for one of the most prestigious law firms here in town. I work there monday thru thrusday and at movie gallery friday thru sunday. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

Well that's about it for the update.

Happy Easter Everyone!!


the Lord is good.

I've been hurting for money the last couple of months, barely making due with my pay from MG and having my new car payments, cell phone, credit card bill, etc. Well, I just got a check in the mail for 500 dollars as settlement for my wreck so that goes towards car payments and my credit bill. I'm also expecting a raise at work within the next week or so.

Not too much to report, staying busy (and slack) as always. School is killing me with its uberhardness since I'm rounding the end of my college career. I got a straight 4.0 last semester which I worked very hard for and I'm striving for the same this semester but if I get a B or two I'll be extremely happy.

The only real news is that I got another tattoo. It's pretty awesome. Pics will be under a cut at the end. It's an inverted Treble clef connected to a Bass clef to make the coolest heart ever. It's on the inside of my right arm. Also, I am definitely moving at the end of the month. My friend who is an older lady is going to let me stay with her for a few months to a year because I'm planning on moving back to Columbia In January after I graduate.

The Christmas visit with my mom was nice...long, but nice. She was here for 11 days but we had a nice time. She's coming back for a week at the end of May.

Well, another hideously long day lies ahead of me tomorrow so I must be off to bed.

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I Tried but alas did not succeed

This has been such a weird week. It's taken me several days to be able to function again after the accident. My injuries weren't serious but they they were bad enough that I was in constant pain. I'm still not convinced that my hand isn't fractured...I was out of a car until yesterday and when I went to the rntal place to get my temp ride, all they had left was a 2007 Dodge Ram full cab truck---so that's what I'm driving lolz. I think that is hilarious. Me, driving a big ole truck. hahahaha. It is pretty awesome though.

So on top of the wreck, Andrea (my manager from MG) called me Sunday and told me that she desperately needed me to come back and work for her. She took over the Darlington store because they fired the manager who was there. Andrea told me she'd spoken with our DM and that they would match my Starbucks salary and that I was guaranteed 30 hours a week. So I told her I'd have to think about it. Well Tuesday my mind got made up. I called Tracey, the manager at SB, and told her that I wouldnt be able to go to the beach Wed (yesterday) for this five hours SB class since I was supposed to straighten somethings out with my insurance company and get my rental. She didn't like that much and flipped out on me. She told me that she would not continue to be lenient with me and that I would be expected to come to work when I was scheduled, no exceptions. Which I found highly amusing being as I only missed one shift, Saturday, and I called her from the ER Friday night to let her know I wouldnt be in the next day. Her attitude pretty much made my mind up for me.

The thing about Starbucks was that I really didn't want to work there it just happened to come along right when we closed our store and I needed a job. Andrea was supposed to work for them also but they screwed her over. That was my first indication that Tracey wasn't what she presented herself to be. I went in today at 3 (which was when I was supposed to be at work) and told Tracey that I wasn't coming back to work. She tried to change my mind but I told her that I didn't appreciate the way she treated me about the accident since it wasnt my fault that things were going this way, and that Starbucks just isn't the right job for me. Then she got pissed and completely dismissed me. Bitch.

So I'm going back to MG starting tomorrow and I'm excited to be going back to the job that I loved with the boss that I love. And also, we didn't get the apt. and I was really upset about that for a while but I realized that it wasn't the plan God has for me. I know now, after a few weeks, that Tobin and I are on a downward spiral in our friendship thanks to her new boyfriend and that we aren't meant to live together. I'm ok with that. When God closes one door, he opens another. Right now I have to focus on putting my money towards paying for the new PT Cruiser I'm getting!! So excited!!! Even though things are shakey for me right now, I'm holding out hope that they will get better.
screwed up

Update of the Bad Kind

    Just a quick update since it's hard for me to type right now.

I was in a really bad wreck yesterday. My car is completely totaled. I spent 3 hours in the emergency room last night because I thought my hand was broken but it's just sprained really badly. I have a nice burn on my right wrist from the airbag.

I was coming home from work yesterday around 5:15 and the traffic was bad. The guy in front of me stopped short so I stopped short and the two women behind me decided they weren't going to stop at all. I got double rear ended and smashed into the truck in front of me. My radiator exploded and I thought the car was going to catch on fire. Well, my back bumper was knocked completely off, my front bumper was creased from the guy's trailer hitch, and the passenger side airbag came out so hard and fast that it shattered my windshield. I threw my hands in front of my face to keep the airbag from breaking my neck, hence the sprained hand.

Other than the hand and the burn I've got whiplash and I hurt all over. Not to mention, I am now without a vehicle until further notice.

But, thank God that I was only mildly injured. It could have been a lot worse. I thought I was going to die.

So, that's the scoop. I'm going to take a percocet and go to sleep.